The Constant Love
by Shadows On A Love-Struck Soul
Summary: Arthur needs Merlin for many things and Merlin is always there for him. But Arthur can't admit something to himself, even though he can see this is tearing merlin apaprt. Rated T for violence.


Arthur needs Merlin for many different things.

When Arthur is going to a banquet, he is often insecure about what he is wearing. He can never get that stupid crown to sit on his head right. He fusses in the mirror and changes his outfit half a dozen times. When he has finally decided on what he's going to wear he turns back and forth in front of the mirror, examining his clothes from every angle. Morgana would say he was vain, Gwen would say he was fussy, Merlin would say he was insecure. Arthur would look up and into Merlin's eyes through the mirror and ask him; 'Do I look alright?' And Merlin always replies with the same thing,  
'You look lovely.' He will whisper, and add in his head 'And I wish you were mine,'  
During the feast Merlin will never stand more than three feet away from Arthur, meaning they can have conversations when Arthur has nobody to talk to. Merlin being in the room is all Arthur needs; when Merlin walks through the door he suddenly has the confidence to shine the way he does.

When Merlin is rushed off his feet doing jobs for Arthur and Gaius and everything is too much he has a rant at Arthur. And Arthur secretly likes it; Merlin is so entertaining when he's all hot and flustered. Arthur likes the fire in Merlin's eyes and always tells him to calm down. Everything will be fine.

When Arthur goes hunting and doesn't catch anything, Merlin will take the blame in front of Uther. He will stand there time after time with his head held high and announce to the King of Camelot that his minor mental affliction once again inhibited their progress during the hunt. While Uther is pacing up and down and declaring that Arthur has an idiot for a manservant, Merlin will catch Arthur's eye. Arthur will look slightly amused and will have brought his hand in front of his mouth to disguise the sly smile creeping about his lips. Merlin will let his smile spread wide and then be told off for insolence in front of the King. The next day when Merlin is in the stocks as punishment, Arthur will visit him carrying a basket. In the basket will be more rotten vegetables courtesy of the castle kitchens, he will hand them out among the children and possibly chuck a couple of them at Merlin himself. Arthur will then let out his bark of laughter and clap his leather glove clad hands together. He will walk back up to the castle but on the way he will stop to ruffle Merlin's hair in front of everybody. Merlin will aim a kick at Arthur from behind and shout something along the lines of 'You're welcome,' to Arthur's retreating back.

When Merlin has something on his mind and can't tell Arthur what it is, Arthur will not question him. He will sit up with Merlin late into the night, until the candle is burnt down to the quick and the last embers of the fire are quietly glowing. He will play with Merlin's hair for something to do and stare out of the window but not once will he talk to Merlin. Because Arthur understands that Merlin needs to think.

When Arthur shows himself up in public, Uther will beat him in private. Arthur will become a cowering wreck of bruises and cuts; possibly broken ribs if Uther is feeling particularly vicious. Merlin will be stood in the room when this happens; he will turn his face away from what is happening because he has no power to stop it. When Uther has finished and left the room, Merlin will rush to Arthur's side where he lies on the floor. Merlin will pick Arthur up and put him on his feet. Together they will walk back to Arthur's chambers, Arthur leaning heavily on Merlin.  
Arthur will pour his heart out into Merlin's open one and get everything off his chest. Merlin will listen intently while examining Arthur and assessing the damage. He will disappear momentarily, leaving Arthur to feel abandoned. But then he will return with some elixir or lotion or bandages. He will help to fix Arthur, no matter how broken he is and he will help to disguise Arthur's bruises the next day. Merlin will kiss Arthur on the top of the head and tell him he still looks beautiful. Merlin will spend these nights with Arthur, just lying together in bed; feeling the closeness of the other and trusting that he will still be there in the morning.

When Merlin is ill, Arthur will nurse him better. But Arthur will realise that sitting by Merlin's bedside when he is unconscious is pointless; Merlin doesn't know he is there. However, travelling to the ends of the earth to get anything Gaius needs to make Merlin better again is useful. So Arthur will saddle up his horse, take the sword that Merlin will have recently sharpened and canter off into the night to retrieve the ingredient needed. Arthur will return and face the consequences of his actions. Then, when the punishment is over Arthur will race back to Merlin's bedside, take his hand and wait for him to wake.

Arthur knows that Merlin cares about him, and they have an unspoken contract. Arthur thinks of Merlin as a friend but Merlin wants them to be so much more than that. Arthur can't bring himself to admit that he would like that too. Merlin doesn't know this and Arthur won't accept it.

When Arthur has nightmares they come in bouts, they occur every night for two weeks or anything up to two months. The first night of a nightmare session, Merlin will wake up in the night because at the back of his mind he can hear screaming. He will walk straight out of bed in nothing but his pants and make his way to Arthur's chambers. Merlin will take a candle with him to bring Arthur out of the dark. Merlin will walk into Arthur's chambers, set the candle down on the table and move over to the bed. Arthur will be quivering, sat up in bed. Cold sweat will be pouring from him and shivers will clatter his teeth. Merlin will stand by Arthur and pull him into his chest. No words are needed; Merlin knows everything Arthur wants to say. Arthur will listen to Merlin's heart beat for several hours before drifting back off into a deep and dreamless sleep. Merlin will sleep on the hard stone floor.  
The next day Merlin will bring a mattress and sheets down to Arthur's chambers and make a bed for himself on the floor. In the evening Arthur will ask Merlin to stay and Merlin will pull out his make-shift bed and sleep on it, holding Arthur's hand. Arthur will wake up in the night screaming and shouting and knotted up in the bed sheets. Merlin will bring him back to the present and calm him down. Merlin will help Arthur drift back off to sleep, then try and get some rest himself. Each night Arthur will say; 'Don't leave me,' and Merlin will not. Until Arthur sleeps the whole night through again. Then Merlin can go back to his own room.

Merlin hates that Arthur has nightmares. The nightmares strike fear into Arthur like nothing else. They leave him broken and smashed. Merlin tries to put the pieces back together again but can't. And he hates it so much. Because each time Arthur smashes, another crack appears in Merlin's heart. One day soon Merlin fears it may crack wide open. Because Merlin loves Arthur with all of his broken heart. And Arthur would never look at Merlin twice. Merlin has to hope to love from a distance, because the only times he gets close is when Arthur is hurting. And Merlin can't stand that.


End file.
